The Human Eye: actually filled with a kind of urine!

Ad school taught me some weird things, and one was that the human eye does a backwards Z across any page it reads, skimming along, hoping to be stimulated, becoming disappointing and trying again on the next page. According to the hard working folks at Eyetrack, it does something more like this:

In actuality, that's a graph of web usage, but it still illustrates the idea that your eye is a skeevy fool who can't be trusted to look at a piece of paper by itself. Who am I to compare the analysis of a closet alcoholic to the practically Skynet-like scrutiny of Eyetrack's creepy machines? Let's focus on it's troubling figures on headlines to start.

First, a giant, domineering headline immediately draws the eye. Wait, don't bail. The numbers show that the average person gives that headline less than one seconds worth of facetime. Not even an entire whole second will be spent on your headline. How are you going to drag them into the depth of your body copy if their brain shuts off after "Call me Ishmael"? Provoke. People are likely to continue reading after the first five words if those first five words provoke their interest. Look at your headline an ask yourself how can it work harder?

Now let's look at that body copy. This eye-eating abomination (not sure exactly how it functioned) suggests that smaller type size encourages focused viewing behaviour while giant large type encourages scanning. Also shorter paragraphs tracked better in research than longer ones. Ever been on a date with a chatty drunk? They're not that much fun. So why are you philabustering on your layout. Learn to trim the fat. Just the facts. Snag the eye. Drive them to the web for more information. Sites like Lowbrow and One Sentence have always been great for understanding the need for berevity in story telling. Twitter is another great disciplinary tool for staying on point and keeping it short.

A copywriter friend of mine once went on a drink with a chatty drunk who refered to copywriting as "all that stuff between the headline and the logo". Technically, she might have been right. Let me welcome you to the end of this entry. I appreciate it, regardless of what weird path your eye took to get here. Oh, and your eye is not filled with a kind of urine.

Advertising and Children: who needs times-tables when you have Happy Meals™

So my son woke me up telling me he needed Star Wars toilet paper. That Star Wars Toilet Paper was the only paper that could help his bum. He just turned four, and has never seen Star Wars, so I'm thinking there is actually a product called Star Wars Toilet Paper trademarking off Carrie Fisher squating in front of a droid begging for help?

Here's some stuff you need to know about children and advertising I want to pass on courtesy of the National Institute for Media and the Family. In 1997, $1.3 billion was spent on television advertisements directed at children. Counting all media, advertising and marketing budgets aimed at children approached $12 billion (McNeal, 1999).

By the age of two, my children are all able to call out McDonald's, Zoo and Home Depot logos. The average child watches as many as 40,000 commericals a year, and can't tell the difference between commercials and regular TV shows. What I can say is my guys know when the really good, really short little shows are lined up and perk up for commercials so they can bow to the alter and play "need it, want it".

Simply put, children influence parental spending, so all advertising now aims at children to increase "nag factor". I've pointed out in the past how marketers target the young to create brand loyalties and children don't just influence spending on kids toys and food - it's everything from carpets to cars. A lot of adult products are being paired with kid-friendliess (oh, and billions of dollars) to influence the young to pressure the old to part ways with their money.

We're all familiar with the use of cartoon characters and toys to draw attention to all kinds of products, but I was surprised to learn there was a Sports Illustrated magazine for Kids. And I was really surprised to know there were ads for Minivans in it. Come join me in my slack-jawed awe at these tidbits of information.

• databases of child customers are being built from information gathered on Internet sign-ups and chat rooms, from electronic toy registries at stores like Toys 'R' Us
  
  
• in-school news briefs force kids to watch commercials in school
  
  
• budget cuts draw advertisers like food brings racoons, offering cash for access to students
  
  
• in-school news briefs force kids to watch commercials in school
  
  
• Promotional licensing of products aimed at kids which include media pitches
  
  
• Do you have any idea how many Children's TV and radio networks there are?
  
  
• Children's toys are starting to carry product placements (Barbie™ dolls with Coca Cola™ accessories for example)
  
  
• almost every fast food chain now has give-away programs including promotional merchandise (McDonald's™ "Happy Meals, etc.)

Brainstorming 101: suspending your disbelief for the benefit of all mankind

Doga: yoga for dogs. Let me say that again: doggie yoga. Before you say anything, here's how CNN handled this topic with stern grace: "between layoffs, threats of terrorism, and tainted dog food, the world can be a stressful place for you and your four-legged friends." You think the writer had to do the rape shower after penning that masterful prose? You could be that writer. Here's your assignment: resist every natural impulse, and now convince me why I want to join doggie yoga.

One of the most important things for everyone working in advertising and marketing to remember that no one ever points out is if you are not the ideal target for a product, you have to pretend you are. I was recently in a brainstorm for pet food, and I was the only person in the room who didn't actively hate animals. Somehow the brainstorm turned out to be a complete success because this crowd was able to bury their feelings and emote like they were the end-consumer.

I can't tell you how many brainstorms I've been involved in where most of the participants can barely contain their distain for the product they're attempting to market. Brainstorms can begin with hundreds of different creative exercises to loosen the lobes and prep the mind, but I've never seen anyone ever prep a room to temporarily become the target audience themselves. How do you turn a dog lover into a cat lover? Or a vegetarian into a meat eater? Or a vampire into a warewolf?

Here's one I just made up. It's called Positive Visualization. Pretend to be a different person, a split personality; tell yourself you are that person and act like it. You're going to need a heavy suspension of disbelief, and a certain level of gut maturity that allows you to method act till the clock runs out. Your opinions and insights are going to match the target consumer because you are one, and you know how important your opinion is.

It won't be easy, but if you can't find a way to become an empath or an actor, you should maybe sit out any brainstorms for products or services that strike you as dumb or funny or absurd. Many off-strategy advertisements could be avoided if everyone could remember this simple principle. This will totally benefit all those industry noobs, and the following video is a walking tour of the kind of insanity you might face one day. Will you be able to keep a straight face?

Product Sampling: the rise of the machines

Yesterday I pointed out that statistically, more people have been crushed to death by vending machines than killed by swine flu this year. Wait, stop dialing. I'm not calling for an all-out panic on vending machines. I'm using it as an excuse to talk about free sampling.

To my knowledge, free sampling is a popular mechanic for generating product trial and has killed no one this year. But here's the secret truth about free sampling - the thing they don't tell you. When marketers offer free samples they're hoping to cannibalize you away from whatever brand you're already using, stealing away your loyalty by changing your preference, AND they're hoping you'll unconsciously purchase their product faster than your normally would, even if your need for it isn't totally immediate! Wait, that doesn't sound all that evil either.

Okay, so what do vending machines and free samples have in common? Last time you checked, your relationship with your vending machine was "you eat my money, I'll eat your snacks". Well meet the BooBox. Belgian designers Fosfor have created a machine that spits out different trial-sized samples of good. It can even handle chilled items.

Both marketers and actual people are always looking for more experiential ways to generate trial and move samples from cargo van (A) to shopping list (B). To date the delivery has been fairly one-sided, either through direct-to-home mailings or interception teams in stores or on the street. Delivery systems like the BooBox put the sampling decision in the consumer's hands, but unlike calling or emailing for a redemption, the pay-off is almost immediate. All you do is send out a text on your phone and they fire back an PIN number for free goods. Boo(m)! A more interesting vending and sampling experience signed, sealed and delivered.

So where's the evil? You fell right into their hands.

Ad Innovation: inducing vomit to induce sales

[CLICK THE IMAGE TO COMPLETELY BLOW YOUR MIND]

I came across this MacLaren McCann ad for the Grass Roots Hemp Store and felt it begged to be passed around. Most all of my entries revolve around an inspirational or educational message, and today's is a disclaimer that Brad Choma does not endorse or recommend the opening of the doors of perception in your mind through the use of recreational drugs.

Accidental Career Suicide: the hot new trend sweeping the internet

I worked with a girl who sent an email to an office of almost two-hundred people about sneaking out early to go shopping with a friend. Any time I hear of someone losing a job, I always ask if it was a Homicide or a Suicide. Career Limiting Manoeuvres (CLMs) cuts somewhere in between. Whether you're blowing your nose in your food on film or putting fairy photos of yourself on Facbook after telling the boss you're sick, Darwin has a list for you.

I love the number of self-destructive people who step to the plate and CLM themselves right out of their job on Twitter or Facebook. According to a research poll, over 60% of 12 - 24 year olds think their friends' postings could damage their reputations, while 48% are sure they're embarassing themselves with their own postings. In an earlier post I warned about the damage the all-seeing, all-knowing internet can do. Then I found this article on iconoculture about Facebook Remorse. You think people would think twice about posting self-destructive info online. Wrong. Whether it's a snarky comment or a half-nude photo, the internet will remember.

I recently read that four out of five recruiters run web search to screen job applicants. Same goes for college recruiters. Same goes for dating. Oops. Resume Bear did a dead simple search for different CLMs and here is an excerpt (the rest are found here, enjoy).

Here are a few things you needs to know:

- always think before you send

- just because you deleted a tweet doesn't mean it doesn't get picked up by search engine indexing

- simple messaging on internet forums and threads are also picked up by google

- your privacy settings may not keep friends of friends from seeing your facebook activity

- people don't know how to take screen captures off flickr

- sometimes things you say on blogs can only be deleted by the owner

- know that sarcasm doesn't translate into the printed word

And if worst comes to worst, be creative about it. When New England Patriots cheerleader Caitlin Davis was fired for a facebook photo of her drawing dongs and swastikas all over a drunk guy at a party, her legal defense became: "the kid in the picture was a 'drunk guy who passed out and was written on,' as his costume for the night."

Personal Failure: I lost my erection (idea)

A while ago I wrote an article about my friend Jan and his too-late-to-the-race Tauntaun Sleeping Bag idea that someone else produced before him. Broke his heart.

I pointed out that he'd have to take his dreams behind the shed with the rifle and followed with an screed about getting over personal failure, picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and tips to get back in the game. Today I received an email with the above t-shirt image and I think you could hear my heart actually break through my shirt.

We live in a distracting world, and making that amazing gadget, story, or totally original dick shirt idea you had into a reality is only as likely as your attention span will allow. We are overloaded with information and demands on our time, and the little things are increasingly left behind. Being too busy or too lazy explains away the death of my deflated dick shirt ambitions, so we're getting off that and talking about rage.

There are lots of great reasons to blow a fuse, and so many great places you really shouldn't do it (at work, in front of the family, during court). You don't have to be a parent to watch someone lose their cool in a theatrical way and equate them to little children who don't have emotional maturity. Every doctor in the world will tell you regular exercise increases your ability to de-stress. Well it's too late now. Forget exercise, here's the one thing you can do in the moment to save yourself filling out all those lengthy unemployment insurance or divorce papers: STOP. Immediately.

Whatever it is you think you're going to say or do, you're wrong. Reacting while you're angry is like handing your car keys to a monkey. Anger shuts down the reasoning part of the brain, and misdirected anger is going to turn a pet peeve or misunderstanding into a full-on verbal skirmish. You've seen it before. Before you say anything, count to three, refocus your thought, walk away, whatever it takes. The second you realize you're getting dragged into an argument you have to stop and check your head. Keep your voice down and start over. Oh, and while you're at it, take a breath. Sounds dumb, but you don't breath enough. Your body runs on oxygen, but when was the last time you just took a really deep breath and exhaled slowly. You'll feel your whole body relax. I was told you should mouth the word "relax" as you exhale, which is great for buying yourself some time to think while those around you look at you like a psychopath.

Anger is the death of intelligence, and multi-tasking might be evil, but if you can learn to control one or the other, even to a small degree, you'll be better off.

P.S. Multi-tasking is the devil. Switching gears from one assignment to the next and back again is inefficient. Your brain is only so elastic, and can only refocus so fast, or so well. The complication of multi-tasking leads to stress, and stress leads to errors. You'll also find it leads to a whirling dirvish of half-completed tasks and pulsing temples. You've been warned.

Lost in Translation: Who does what in my what now?

I've written before about this kind of thing before. When I first saw this, I was told it was a South African Gaviscon ad written by someone who's first language wasn't english. Unless the entire agency was populated by people who's first language wasn't english, and unless the tagline is South African slang for "did their duty to the best of their ability" or something, or unless the whole sentence is a series of unfortunate typos, then I just don't know what to say. I think this was done on purpose, and is either the best or worst copywriting ever, depending on your point of view.

A million years ago, at my first job, we did a sales ad for a bedding company, and the headline caught some flack. Once people explained their objection, we were appauled. By wad, we of course meant money, plain and simple.

The Freelance Life: can time management fight off brain damage?

Be warned, the boundaries between work and pleasure can blur for freelancers. What begins as a laziness in the pre-frontal lobe quickly spreads to the extremities. Pretty soon you're calling soap operas "your stories" and your brain has become damaged.

Freelancing is great, but there are whole categories of basic, fundamental life functions that need to be explained to you like a baby needs spoon-feeding. Here comes the airplane.

First things first, the brain is an idiot. How many incredible and noteworthy thoughts have come and gone because I mistakenly thought I would remember them later? How many times have I wandered grocery stores or worse, just driven right past it like I'm suffering from dimensia? I probably know the answer and can't remember. Memory can't be trusted. If you need to remember something, write it down.

The brain is unorganized. As I said in a previous post, the simplest organizational trick in the world is to make a physical list of everything you need to get done. Seeing it makes it real. Every time you cross an item off that list, it psychologically energizes you and gives you the energy to tackle the next task. Try it, I think you'll agree.

Once you have your ability to remember things, give it something to remember. Try setting a routine or schedule. Mondays are client feedback. Wednesdays are all about acounting and invoices. Fridays are new business development days. Sounds boring, but you did it back in the real world, and it's a soundtrack for discipline. AND it's the one thing that helps you keep your work week from flowing into and devouring your weekend unnecessarily.

The brain is fickle. In the real world, everyone is shoehorned into a remorseless nine to five existence. But in the magical land of freelance and rainbows, I've found my best hours are around five or six in the morning, and I generally come unglued around three in the afternoon. Learn your rythym.

IM, MSN, Facebook and Twitter are all time vampires. Drop your guard for a second and the internet will destroy both lobes of your brain, so keep it in check. Give yourself line breaks, set a time, and stick to it. Don't get caught up no matter how interesting the outside world might seem. Resist temptation.

What do I do? I do my best to do everything I've mentioned. I also take showers, and I work in clothes instead of pyjamas. I only work in my office. I use boring dignity to keep my head up, even though the cool thing is I don't have to. There will be more posts along this thread. I hope you'll save room. Nom nom nom.

[author note: if you google image search brain damage, you'll find Amy Winehouse on every page]